The First Step of Rebuilding Your Life After Growing Up in Survival Mode

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Surviving used to keep you safe. Now it holds you back.

I grew up with an angry dad who was abusive to my mum, and eventually to me. I didn't even realise I was in survival mode because that's all I was used to. I didn't know there was an alternative. So I numbed with drugs, alcohol, partying and boys.

I remember being around 9 years old and counting down how long it would be until I turned 18 and finally had full freedom and autonomy. I even prayed for it to come faster (and I'm not religious lol).

Then the day came.

I was 18 and, by society's definition, an adult woman.

This was also the peak of Dad's abuse. Probably because he knew he couldn't control me anymore (and he also had cancer, so he was in a lot of pain).

So I cut him out of my life, and a couple of months later I met my current girlfriend and fell head over heels in love.

I was in so much pain and grief over Dad whilst also being so in love.

Eventually life became quiet, calm and safe for the first time ever. So I did what any girl with daddy issues does. I convinced myself my partner was out to get me and trying to emotionally manipulate me, and I'd spend hours overthinking everything. Unconsciously creating the exact chaos I wanted to escape.

It took time, and thankfully I had a very patient, loving girlfriend who moved through it with me. She didn't have to, and I felt a lot of guilt around that. It wasn't fair that she had to clean up the mess my dad made. But she did, and I am forever thankful for that.

A lot has happened since then, which I'll save for another time. But after lots of inner work, months and months of depression, time to process, breathwork, therapy and lots of movement, I realised I am finally at the stage I used to pray for when I was 9.

I am free.

I am safe.

I am loved.

I am appreciated.

And most importantly, I am seen.

Once I truly understood this, I realised I could have so much more than just safety. I could be a multi-millionaire if I wanted. I could change the world, I could help others, I could think bigger. My consciousness kinda exploded with this revelation.

Now, healing is not linear, so I'll be honest- for a while I was using this new ambition as a disguise for my childhood wounds. Hustling harder, burning out, running as fast as I could from danger, just in a different font.

So after a little balancing of the scales, I've landed here: I'm aware of this pattern more often, and I can call it out much faster and easier.

And that's the thing. The first step isn't a grand plan, it's noticing. Catching yourself feeling restless in the calm. Not knowing what you want. Creating problems because peace feels foreign.

You can't build on a nervous system that still thinks it's under attack.

Here are a few things I do that have really helped me get out of survival mode. Keep in mind, we are a species built on survival, so you will fall back into it at times. The important part is getting back out again and again and again.

1- Daily or weekly body check-ins!!

I find a quiet place, take deep breaths, slow my mind and talk to myself. Sometimes I do a body scan to see which parts of my body are holding onto something (quick book rec- The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk). Other times I just straight up ask myself and see what comes up. In some moments a big metal wall comes down. That's when I dance, stretch or sing to open my energy up so those parts feel safe enough to come out and talk.

In these check-ins, I also take note of my recent behaviours. Have I been overbooking myself? Have I been numbing? Have I been saying yes when I really want to say no? What in my life is draining me and doesn't align with the life I'm building? There's no judgment, just awareness.

I have another blog coming on how to muscle test, which is basically getting yes or no answers from your body (because if you haven't figured it out yet… your body knows everything).

2- Journaling on what I want my life to look like.

How I want to feel, act and live. If you haven't done this before, it's a GAME CHANGER! It might feel unfamiliar and even uncomfortable at first. That's ok. Take your time. If you can only write down one thing the first time, that's progress! Eventually it'll get easy to visualise your future. It's like a muscle. You gotta get the reps in before you see a difference.

3- THIS ONE IS HUGEEEE OKKKKK

Cutting out (or protecting your energy around) people who make your dreams seem unrealistic or delusional. Those aren't the people we want around us if we actually want to grow and live a life we find desirable and sexy (and yes- you can find life sexy). They're also most likely running on the old software you're trying to reprogram. They aren't bad people. They don't know what they don't know, and a lot of the time they're trying to protect you based on their own beliefs and fears. Give grace and let go. Their journey is their journey.

In saying that, sometimes we don't have a choice about being around people who bring us down. In those cases, energy protection is so so important! I'll be sharing a whole post on how I protect my energy soon, so keep an eye out for that one.

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Now, before you get overwhelmed and suddenly want to do everything on that list, let's slow down.

Your very first step, and your only step right now, is awareness. DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT try to change everything all at once. Start by noticing the patterns: when you disconnect, when you go into overdrive, when you try to control and restrict. A lot of the time, awareness is the exact thing that breaks the loop for me. But that's because I've built my toolkit, so when I become aware, I get to choose to change it with my actions. I'm not perfect. There are definitely times I notice something and I'm like... yeah, nah I'm good lol. But it's happening less and less.

You are not broken. You are running on old programming that was installed in your most formative years. The literal foundation of your "self". But you know what's so fucking cool? Our brains are plastic (it's literally called neuroplasticity). We can rewire them with our intentions, thoughts and actions. You aren't "stuck", even if it feels like it, and you will get there.

If no one believes in you- I do. And if you do have people who believe in you, add another one to the list 🤍

Love, light & darkness (because we are not just love and light!),
Chloe xoxo